Emotional Turbulence

Beck, "Guess I'm doing fine"

2011-12-04T16:05:00.001-05:00

"There's a blue bird at my windowI can't hear the songs he singsAll the jewels in heavenThey don't look the same to meI just wade the tides that turnedTill I learn to leave the past behindIt's only lies that I'm livingIt's only tears that I'm cryingIt's only you that I'm losingGuess I'm doing fineAll the battlements are emptyAnd the moon is laying lowYellow roses in the graveyardHave no time to

Birthday

2011-11-13T22:08:00.002-05:00

So, yesterday was my daughter's 11th birthday. Yep, she just missed turning 11 on 11/11/11 by one day! It was quite bad.What she really wanted (a cabin in the woods) had already fallen through. And I was sick with a nasty cold. And I was not in a great place, mentally, after the last two or three weeks anyway.First, when we woke up, I was making breakfast. For some reason, I thought I should

I'm back

2011-11-07T22:45:00.002-05:00

I'm re-committing. I swear, I'm really back. I need this. I don't have much of an emotional outlet right now, and so I'm leaning on the world wide web again. We'll see how it goes. This weekend was bad. Today was bad. Life is bad right now. My boyfriend and I are officially done. We were living together for a bit (less than a year), and we broke up this summer. He moved out. We did the

It's been so long

2011-08-08T23:27:00.002-04:00

Hi there you little blog, you! Maybe I should start talking here again. I don't have many other people to talk to, so maybe this will be good again. There's so much happening right now. And so little. My boyfriend and I split up. He moved out a couple of weeks ago. It's been dreadfully lonely. When you don't have a job at a regular workplace, and you stay home all day with your child,

Here we go

2010-11-28T18:26:00.003-05:00

Hello. It's been a while blah blah blah. Let me jump right in.I am not doing well. Surprise surprise. I was sleeping 12-14 hours a day on Geodon and still depressed; I added Citalopram (an anti-depressant) and kept sleeping, gaining weight, and had no desire for sex; so I added Welbutrin. And then the shit hit the fan. In the last two months or so, I probably should've been hospitalized at

Hello again

2010-04-29T21:57:00.002-04:00

Wow. I think this has been the longest hiatus so far...over two months since my last post. I genuinely feel bad about that. I'm not sure why, but I do. Why so long? Oh, I don't know. Maybe my life has been one big hiatus over the past couple of months. Maybe life has been that good. Maybe my blogging life is just coming to a close. Maybe I no longer feel creative at all. Lost of maybes.

Geodon and other painful things

2010-02-20T18:09:00.003-05:00

So I upped my Geodon intake. And I sure did feel it this morning. I felt like a load of bricks. I woke up and could barely keep my eyes open. I finally got out of bed, and I could hardly stand up. I felt like my knees were buckling under me. My hands were tingling and shaking. My feet wouldn't work. I couldn't speak. I combined taking the Geodon far too late (2:30am) with drinking too

Slip

2010-02-18T20:10:00.002-05:00

Goddammit. I've slipped. I'm irritated and annoyed and self-medicating with beer. At least the beer is delicious. I've been feeling on the hypomanic side--not sleeping well. I've been a bit under the weather, and that helps to foil the real hypomania. Then I took a nap today. When I woke up, I was a different person. I was running around frantically and spastically and I can't spell and I

Braggin' Rights

2010-02-17T20:26:00.002-05:00

That's right. Time to brag. Somehow--I'm not sure how--I've snagged one of the good guys. I know I've mentioned this before on here, but I can't say it enough. I've got myself a good man. And now I'm bragging about it. I slept late this morning, and I woke up scrambling around to make it to an appointment with my psychiatrist (which went well, but we're upping the Geodon from 60 to 80 mg a

Quitting

2010-02-15T20:32:00.002-05:00

I'm a quitter, I guess. But in the good way, I think. I'm going to quit smoking, I hope. Yes, that's the plan. I've been thinking about it for a while now. I've been cutting down. I've been trying to pinpoint the exact reasons why I smoke in the first place. I've tried to track the key triggers. They are as follows:When I get up in the morning and go to sleep at nightWhen I finish a

Snow

2010-02-10T18:53:00.002-05:00

I hate the snow. I really hate the snow. I hate shoveling it, walking in it, driving in it. I even hate seeing it. It's not a pleasant time of year for me. And my daughter had a snow day today, which means I had to cancel my annual exam I had scheduled. I hate the snow.Aside from hating snow, I'm doing pretty well. I mean, I still have up days and down days. But the mixed states have

New day

2010-02-02T15:47:00.003-05:00

So, I'm super excited. I currently have pretty long hair (for me) as it reaches almost to my bra strap location. Maybe an inch higher. And it's straight, and I've been rocking the blunt cut bangs. And I'm tired of it. I'm tired of it falling out all over the house. I'm tired of drying it completely in the mornings. I'm tired of tangles and mats. I'm sick and tired of it. So, I'm getting

V-Day

2010-01-30T21:13:00.002-05:00

So, I'm participating in this thing called V-day, a memory, a monologue, a rant, a prayer. There's a group of us who are reading some part of the Vagina Monologues. We'll charge a ticket price, and all proceeds go to preventing violence against women and children. I'm reading one called "Club" about a young woman who gets hit by a bouncer at a club. She crumbles onto the curb, her feet in the

Coffee for one

2010-01-28T19:26:00.003-05:00

Hip hip hooray! The very last thing was gone today, and the key was finally returned. It's all behind me now. There's no chance we'll be friends, so it's really, really over. I washed my hands of him. As for me--yes me--how am I feeling? Well, I suspect I'm drifting on the hypomanic side. I went to the bookstore and bought seven books. It didn't cost much. But seven? I also bought a new

All good

2010-01-27T23:11:00.003-05:00

I still think I made a good decision. A really good decision breaking up with my boyfriend, and getting that toxicity out of my life. Now I'm interested to see how my meds work. Was so much of my angst due to bipolar? Or was it him? Or more aptly...us? I did some awful things. I threw things, I stomped my feet, I hurt myself. I just don't want to be like that anymore. And something had

It's over

2010-01-24T21:43:00.002-05:00

The censorship is over. That's right. Back to normal, I guess. I broke up with my boyfriend this weekend. He was the one censoring. In fact, he was always trying to censor me...telling me I should be this way or that. And now it's over. I can be who I'm meant to be. "He never claimed to say what he saysHe smells like the inside of closets upstairsThe kind where nobody goesDon't make me a

Happy?

2010-01-19T15:52:00.002-05:00

I deleted my last post because, supposedly, I'm only supposed to talk about things with my therapist. I guess this is no longer a place for me to express my confusion, frustration, joy, or anger. And here's the supposed reason why I can't say the things I said: because I'm a fuck up. Supposedly, the only reason I admitted that my boyfriend and I are on a sort of break in the deleted post is so

Grrrrr

2010-01-12T21:15:00.002-05:00

I just want to scream!! I want to throw the dishes around and scream and hurt myself. I want this to be over. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I just don't know what to do. What am I doing wrong? Why don't I deserve to be happy? Good question. I see all these people who seem perfectly content with their lives. Well, they seem that way. Then there's me. Will I ever be content? Is that

Another blah

2010-01-09T18:11:00.002-05:00

I've been feeling blah lately. I don't know if it's getting back to reality after a 2 week break down south or what. But I'm overcome with sleep and a strong feeling of being overwhelmed. I am. I want to sleep when I'm not, and then I can't. And I am. I am overwhelmed. The list of all the things I should be doing tosses in my mind, while I sit and do nothing. There's no motivation. I'm

Pre-meeting thoughts

2009-12-17T11:45:00.003-05:00

I'm feeling sick. Why is it that my daughter can get sick, miss one day of school, and then be back on her feet. And I get stuck on my ass for days? It's not fair!! I meet with my psychiatrist today, so here's another "dry-run" post. What shall I say? I always start the conversation with side-effects. Luckily, there aren't any. I have had good moments and normal moments compared to the

Elliot Smith, "Between the Bars"

2009-12-15T13:46:00.002-05:00

"drink up, baby, stay up all nightthe things you could do, you won't but you mightthe potential you'll be, that you'll never seethe promises you'll only makedrink up with me now and forget all about the pressure of daysdo what I say and I'll make you okay and drive them awaythe images stuck in your headpeople you've been before that you don't want around anymorethat push and shove and won't bend

Boredom

2009-12-14T19:45:00.002-05:00

I'm bored. Record grades. Check. Tally grades. Check. Post grades. Check!! Do dishes. Check. Wash clothes. Check. Put away clothes. Check. Cook dinner. Check. Now what? The internet isn't holding my attention. TV? It's still too early in the day for that. The chores are done. What next?I think I'm really concerned about what I'm going to do for the next week. Next Monday, we

Better?

2009-12-14T13:30:00.002-05:00

I think I'm starting to feel a bit better. I've taken the klonopin a few nights, and I'm finally feeling rested. And my sleep schedule has been a bit better--that always helps. If only I could get up in the mornings! That med combined with increasing the Geodon really puts a haze over my morning rituals. Nonetheless, I think the combo is helping to get me back on track.Plus, my boyfriend was

Just make it stop

2009-12-10T11:03:00.003-05:00

It's cold out today. The high is supposed to be 22 degrees Fahrenheit. I just braved it to go pick up my prescriptions. Yes--new medications. Well, an increase in my Geodon and some sleeping medicine called klonopin. I've been manic and not sleeping well. The mania is predominantly in the form of dysphoria. The bad kind. So, my psychiatrist recommended the klonopin temporarily to maybe

2009-12-07T00:04:00.002-05:00

http://www.psycheducation.org/depression/Waves.htmI just found this interesting page. I was blown away. At one point, the author describes a state of "manic stupor." I couldn't believe it. If you don't read the article, read this: "the person would know she needed to get moving, indeed she would be thinking of many things she needed to be doing, and she might really want (in a very powerful

Dragon's fire

2009-12-04T11:31:00.003-05:00

I've been filled with the fire of a dragon. If I believed in god or satan or demons or souls, I'd say I've been possessed by demons in my soul. Oh, the anger. I feel like a different person. The things that come out of my mouth are not me. It's so freaking scary. I don't know what I'll say or do next. The fire that spews from me just hurts everyone and everything I love. All you can do is

I have no idea

2009-11-19T09:16:00.003-05:00

I must admit, I've been having a hard time posting. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I feel embarrassed of my actions lately. Maybe I simply don't have the time. But I suspect I feel as if my anonymous status is dwindling. My attention span is so short, I can barely finish a post I start in the first place. I've almost given up on this one twice now.I'm really stressed out right now. Last

Inspiration

2009-10-30T20:58:00.003-04:00

I need some inspiration. I'm just so blaaah. Well, sometimes ROAR. But mostly blah.There's so much important stuff I want to be doing. I need to be writing my dissertation. It's sick, but, I want to be writing my dissertation. But I'm caught up in the day-to-day. Hoping each day for a solid morning set aside for my work. And maybe there are those precious mornings; but then there's no

I'm sick again

2009-10-23T09:01:00.003-04:00

It's a quiet moment on a rainy Friday morning. I just got the kid off to school, frantically, as we both slept late. Now I'm thinking about breakfast and coffee. And I'm thinking about the last several weeks.Things could be better, to say the least. I've spent almost all of my money, had more intrusive thoughts than I've had in a long time, and two major rage-I-can't-remember-what-happened

Here's a post

2009-10-17T11:14:00.002-04:00

Yes, here's a post. About what? Everything and nothing. Work health: I have too much on my plate. I've got a stack of papers to grade, two short papers to write, and a lecture to plan today and tomorrow. Hence the procrastination I'm conducting by posting on my blog.Physical health: I have a cold that's finally settled into my chest. I feel like hell. That certainly doesn't help me to be

Is your soul for sale?

2009-10-03T10:25:00.003-04:00

What would you trade your soul for (if you had a soul)? Is there anything you would die for? Or die on the inside for? I feel lucky that I do have something I'd trade my soul for. I'd trade my soul in a second if my daughter needed it. She'd hate me for that, though. She's convinced that if anyone ought to do the trading, it ought to be her. She couldn't possibly live without me, she cries!

Rant

2009-09-19T10:37:00.002-04:00

Today is a day for ranting. The primary target is OSU. They have, once again, f-ed up my life. Last summer, the university switched to a new web interface. This should not have been done. They should've waited until all these life-altering bugs were worked out. But no! A deadline is a deadline! For the second quarter in a row, I'm going broke because of this new web interface. For the

Humanity

2009-09-15T21:06:00.002-04:00

What do I think of humanity? I'd like to think that humans are mostly good. We have good intentions, don't we? I don't dabble in politics much. I'm not a fan of empty rhetoric and fear mongering. I have enough ups and downs in my own life to follow the various "crises" and resultant band aids of politics. I don't like to stand by and watch the spectacle of human beings turned mysteriously

Surreal

2009-09-09T09:00:00.003-04:00

The last few days have been surreal. I've had two people close to me be in the hospital. I, of course, won't mention names. But a woman in her mid-fifties had a urinary tract infection that spread to her brain. It caused aphasia (searching for a word like "hurt" but instead saying something like "sleep") and other mental problems. Crazy how a usually simple infection can do so much damage.

Flaming Heart

2009-09-07T18:28:00.004-04:00